<center>Coil Turmoil</center>

Coil Turmoil

As Dave and Wendy sat in Dave’s research van eating space breakfast (space toast and space syrup), Dave decided to brew up some space coffee. Unfortunately he made the brew way too strong… so strong, in fact, that it blew the space coffee pot’s hermetic seal. “Dammit Dave! The hermetic seal’s been breached! We be doomed my man!"

Dave clumsily tried to clog the leak with space syrup, but it was too late, the space coffee’s stale aroma had already permeated the perimeter and awakened the hibernating skelebots. A skelebot is a creature, most likely from hell, that has the head of a robot and the body of a human skeleton. They enjoy space coffee, 80’s New Wave, and animated GIFs. And thus so began the Great Skelebot Uprising of 1989. As a particularly cranky skelebot battled Wendy for her space mug full of stale space coffee, Dave attempted to phone ground control. Dave’s fingers, still covered in sticky space syrup, made this task more or less impossible.

Dave never expected to be sucker punched and elbowed off a cliff into piranha infested waters, but that’s what happens when you break into Wendy’s hermetically sealed lunch and down her last slice of hermetically sealed pizza. He suddenly realizes that this stunt has gone awry. The parasitic zombie snails have permeated his pants and are gnawing deep into his thighs. He regrets not conducting a biological analysis of the water beforehand.

Unfortunately, Wendy failed to realize that Dave still had the keys to their research van, so she reluctantly threw a dirty rope at his face and saved him.

Wendy wondered what would kill her first..

Would it be the sea urchin she’d punched in the face just a few hours earlier? Would it be the sea urchin’s ex-wife, Wanda, seeking vengeance for her man? Or perhaps it would be the sea urchin’s illegitimate half-sea-cucumber bastard child, Todd, seeking social acceptance in an unforgiving world. Would it even be a sea urchin? Hell, would it even be be a sea creature? Maybe it’d be her ex-boyfriend, Perry Bowser? She never did acknowledge his gummy bear city. Or maybe it would be her former scuba instructor, Dale Hawaii? She never did respect his hermetically sealed speedo. Or maybe it would just be something annoying like sun burn or pink eye.

As Dave reluctantly reached into the piranha infested waters to pick up the metal coil, he thought to himself “Is this really what I should be doing with my life, I went to college, I have a reliable van, why the hell am I sitting in piranha infested waters in a thrift store space suit?“. At one point in his life he was on track to be a respectable man. He almost had a job and almost owned a car; yet here he is, hunched over in snail infested waters wearing a pair of astronaut pants stolen from a thrift store. He blames drugs and country music. As he gazed into the reflection of his pathetic existence, he decided not to pick up the tetanus infested coil. He said “See Ya Wendy” and hopped into his van, which wouldn’t start. Wendy called a tow truck.

As she waits to die, she looks up at the sky and wonders why her lips are dry.

Published: "Space Coffee", "Hermetically Sealed Pizza", "Gummy Bear City", and "Coil Turmoil" Originally published on Tanner Blog
Words: Tanner Almon
Photography: Tanner and Vicki Almon © 35mm, Salton Sea CA